I Can't Forgive Myself: Why This Phrase Misleads Us—and What We Should Say Instead

 In yesterday’s sermon, I briefly mentioned the phrase “I just can’t forgive myself.” Many sincere Christians say this in moments of regret or deep sorrow, and I know what you mean when you say it. But as common as the phrase is, Scripture never uses it—and it subtly reinforces wrong beliefs and sends us in the wrong direction. I want to explain why, and offer a more biblical and hope-filled way to understand what our hearts are really crying out for.

My goal is not to scold anyone who uses this phrase but to gently redirect it toward the real freedom Christ offers.

1. Because Our Sin Is Against God and Others, Not Ourselves, We Must Seek Their Forgiveness (not our own forgiveness)

Throughout Scripture, sin is always directed upward toward God and outward toward people. It is never directed inward toward ourselves.

David confesses, “Against you, you only, have I sinned" (Psalm 51:4).  When Joseph is tempted, he doesn’t say, “How could I do this to myself?” but: “How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?” (Genesis 39:9)

And Jesus teaches reconciliation in horizontal relationships as a prerequisite for vertically-focused worship: “First be reconciled to your brother…” (Matthew 5:23–24). Horizontal sins are ultimately vertically significant. 

Even when Scripture speaks of ‘sinning against our own bodies’ (1 Cor. 6:18), such sins are ultimately against God. As we bear His image, every violation of our created dignity is a violation against Him, and—if we are in Christ—our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19–20). In other words, even the sins that feel most directed against ourselves are actually offenses against God, which means they are offenses God must forgive—not offenses we forgive.

Because all sin is finally and ultimately against God, Scripture regularly and consistently commands us to confess our sin to God and seek His forgiveness (1 John 1:9). God is the ultimate offended party and the only One who can grant true pardon. 

When we have wronged others, Jesus teaches us to go to them directly, seeking repentance and reconciliation (Luke 17:3-4; Matthew 18:15). This is part of the broader calling to pursue peace (Rom. 12:18), bear with one another in love (Col. 3:13), and restore one another gently (Gal. 6:1). Simply, in Scripture, forgiveness is always sought from another and granted by another—never from ourselves. We seek God's forgiveness and the forgiveness of those we have wronged, but we are never instructed to forgive ourselves. 

The modern idea of “forgiving myself” usually arises in a culture that has forgotten the vertical dimension of sin. If I have no God to offend, and yet still feel guilt, the only place to point that guilt is inward. But guilt is a theological reality, not merely a psychological one. God alone can remove it (Isaiah 43:25).

When we talk of ‘forgiving ourselves,’ we unknowingly assume roles we were never meant to hold. We imagine that we are both the offender and the offended—both sin's source and solution. In effect, we appoint ourselves as judge and pardoning authority, able to render our own verdict and reverse it at will. But Scripture teaches that the authority to forgive sin belongs to God alone. Self-forgiveness, then, claims prerogatives that properly belong only to Him.

2. Because God’s Forgiveness Is Costly, Complete, and Permanent, We Must Receive It by Faith

Very often when a Christian says, “I know God forgave me, but I can’t forgive myself,” the real issue is not self-forgiveness—it’s unbelief in the sufficiency of God’s forgiveness.

This is not said harshly; all of us struggle to believe grace is really that free. 

God forgives us at great cost, the death of His Son:

“He did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all.”

— Romans 8:32

God forgives us completely:

“As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”

— Psalm 103:12

“You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.”

— Micah 7:19

God forgives us permanently:

“I will remember their sins no more.”

— Jeremiah 31:34

He does not partially forgive. He does not put us on spiritual probation. He does not hold our sins over our heads waiting for us to make up the difference.

So why do we sometimes still feel condemned?

Often because:

1.  We haven’t truly confessed the sin to God (Psalm 32:3–5). If that’s the case, call out to God and seek His mercy and forgiveness through genuine repentance. Psalm 32 and 51 are a great place to start. 

2.  We haven’t sought forgiveness from the person we wronged (Matthew 5:23–24). Lingering guilt exists because we’ve not sought the forgiveness of the other people we’ve actually wronged and harmed by our sin. Go to them, admit your sin. Take full responsibility. Acknowledge how your sin has hurt them. Request, don’t demand, their forgiveness. 

3.  We haven’t embraced God’s forgiveness as a full reality. We may intellectually accept it but emotionally treat our own verdict as more authoritative than God’s. We treat God’s forgivness as a minor thing, a guaranteed given in our lives, while “forgiving myself” is the real hurdle. In these moments, we need to grasp the cost and completeness of God’s forgiveness declared to us in Christ.

The gospel calls us to hear God’s verdict over our own hearts:

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

“I...blot out your transgressions...and I will not remember your sins.” Isaiah 43:25

“I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud.” Isaiah 44:22

“Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.” Matthew 9:2-6

“Your sins are forgiven...your faith has saved you; go in peace." Luke 7:48-50

“Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” John 8:11

“Whoever believes in Him is not condemned.” John 3:18

“God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation.”1 Thessalonians 5:9

We do not need to “forgive ourselves.” We need to believe God. We need to apply, by faith, the riches of His pardon to the poverty of our souls. 

3. Because Our Consciences Are Fallible, We Must Correct Them. 

Many Christians feel the need to “forgive themselves” because they experience real guilt—but for the wrong reasons.

Our consciences are God-given (Romans 2:14–15), yet fallen and imperfect. They can misfire. It’s like a check engine light that flashes on when nothing is wrong (or doesn’t come on when something is wrong). 

While it’s generally accurate, just because our consciences says we’ve sinned doesn’t mean that we have, and just because it says we’re innocent doesn’t mean we are. We’ve got to look under the hood and check Scripture. 

Paul says his conscience is clear—but that doesn’t make him innocent: “My conscience is clear, but I am not thereby acquitted”(1 Corinthians 4:4)

And Peter’s conscience misfired badly in Antioch (Galatians 2:11–14).

As Andy Naselli has helpfully pointed out, conscience can be:

•   overly strict

•   overly sensitive

•   calibrated to cultural expectations

•   bound by rules God never gave

This is why believers sometimes feel condemned for things that are not actually sinful.

Today, Christians feel condemned for things like:

Putting an aging parent into long-term care rather than caring for them at home
Not homeschooling or not choosing a Christian school
Not having as many children as another family
Not serving “as much” as someone else
Not being able to prevent a tragedy or change someone’s choices

These are real griefs—but not necessarily sins. When we break man-made rules, our conscience may accuse us even when God does not.

In counseling and as a pastor, I’ve seen this. 

The widower wracked with false guilt for putting his wife into long-term care, all because that’s not what his sister (who is a nurse) did with her spouse. 

The parent who blames themself for their teenager’s rebellion, all because they couldn’t afford the Christian school years earlier. 

The would-be mother blaming herself for being unable to have or raise as many children as others, all because she’s placed herself under a false standard that requires her to have a certain number of children. 

So what should we do?

1. Identify the standard you feel you failed. What rule did you believe you were obligated to keep? Simply identifying where your sense of self-condemnation is coming from is enough to begin to break its hold on your conscience. 

2. Ask, “Is this God’s command or my own?” (Colossians 2:20–23) This is very crucial. It could be that you feel guilty because you have violated Scripture. You were motivated by selfishness or greed or ignored a clear command. But quite often, the self-imposed standard came from a comparison with others or from a cultural expectation within your tribe. 

3. Re-train your conscience with Scripture (Psalm 19:7–8; Psalm 119:9–11). Romans 14 warns us against violating our consciences, even wrongly calibrated ones. Instead, we should retrain our consciences. Study the Bible’s teaching. Ask your pastor to help you come up with a list of verses and a plan of attack. Let the infallible truth of God’s Word inform the fallible dictates of your conscience. 

4. Ask God to remove false guilt and replace it with His truth. This might seem obvious, but we often miss the obvious. Drive out lies with truth, and seek divine help to guide your fallible heart.   

Conclusion: Look upward, not inward.  

When Christians say, “I can’t forgive myself,” they usually mean one of the following:

“I still feel ashamed.”

“I still love my sin, and haven’t actually given it up yet.” 

“I hate what I’ve done.”

“The consequences hurt and won’t go away.”

“My conscience keeps accusing me.”

“I can’t seem to move on.”

In all these cases, Scripture gives us better language and better hope:

“I need to believe what God says about His forgiveness.”

“I need to confess and forsake my sin.” 

“I need to rest in Christ’s finished work.”

“I need God to heal my conscience.”

“I need help grieving the consequences.”

“I need to receive mercy and walk forward.”

Christians do not need to “forgive themselves.” We need something far better:

God’s mercy

God’s cleansing

God’s verdict

God’s promises

God’s reorienting truth

God’s healing of our conscience

What we long for—release from guilt, rest from shame, peace of conscience—comes not from declaring ourselves forgiven, but from trusting what God has already declared over us in Christ:

“Your sins are forgiven for His name’s sake.”

— 1 John 2:12